Our daughter was four when she had a hard moment in the grocery store. Other shoppers looked away, and I felt exposed.
I knew the advice. Time-outs, firm boundaries, a calm voice. But as I watched her struggle to speak, I began to see the moment differently.
What if the goal was not to stop it, but to be with her in it?
I sat down on the floor beside her and said nothing. After a few minutes, her breathing slowed, and she climbed into my lap. Eventually, she whispered, “I was scared.”
Not tired or hungry. Scared.
I would have missed that if I had been focused on correcting her.
What we understand about big feelings
In The Whole-Brain Child, Dr. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe what can happen inside a child in the middle of a big feeling. The part of the brain that reasons can go quiet, while the part that reacts takes over.
When that happens, explanations and consequences often do not land. A child may not be ready to take them in yet. What tends to help most is a calm adult, close by, until the child can settle again.
This does not mean removing boundaries. It means staying calm while the child begins to settle.
Why leading with correction can backfire
Think about what a child may hear when we lead with correction. A child is overwhelmed, and we say, “Stop crying, or you’ll go to your room,” or, “You need to calm down right now.”
What we may be communicating, without meaning to, is that the feeling itself is the problem. When children feel that they must hide an emotion, they may find it harder to talk about later.
What connection can look like
Connection does not mean we have no boundaries. It means we try to hold the boundary while making room for the feeling. A few things we come back to: - Name what we see, without judgment. “You look frustrated.” “I see you’re upset.” “Your body looks tense.” Naming can invite understanding, and understanding can invite calm. - Accept the feeling while setting limits on the action. “It is okay to feel angry. It is not okay to hit.” - Offer presence. “I’m here.” “You’re safe.” “I’ll stay with you.” Sometimes, that quiet support may be enough.
The words that can help
In our home, we try to give our children words for what is happening inside them. A child who can say, “I feel frustrated,” has a clearer way to explain what is going on than a child who only has the word “mad.” Having more words for feelings can help children make sense of them.
This idea shaped ABCs for the Soul. We chose words like Energy, Healing, Intention, and Meditation because they give children a gentle way to notice their inner world. M is for Meditation: “Open your palms, calm your mind, then let your worries release.”
Words like these may help a child describe and understand what they are feeling.
What this can teach over time
When we try to connect before we correct, we hope our children come to see that: - feelings are information rather than problems - they can trust what they feel inside - calming down is something we do together first, and alone later - it is safe to feel big things
To us, this is part of emotional intelligence: understanding feelings rather than simply following instructions.
One question we ask ourselves
The next time a big feeling arrives, we try to ask: “What might help my child feel safe right now?”
We do not manage this perfectly. Some days we correct first and reconnect later, in the car or at bedtime. Every moment of reconnection can still help.
