Our son brought me a drawing. A tangle of blue and green lines, and a circle that might have been the sun.
“Good job!” I said, without thinking.
He stood there, waiting. Then he asked, “Do you like it?”
Of course I liked it. But “good job” had not told him that. It had not really told him anything.
That small moment made me notice how often “good job” had become a reflex. We used the same two words for finished homework, shoes put away, and drawings held up for us to see. We began to wonder whether those words were giving him useful feedback.
There is nothing wrong with “good job”
We want to say that first. We still say it. Sometimes it is exactly right, and a child lights up.
What we have come to notice is that a more specific response can often do more. It can draw a child’s attention to their effort and help them reflect on what they accomplished.
What research suggests about praise
Carol Dweck’s work on mindset looked at what can happen when children are praised mainly for ability (“You’re so smart!”) compared with children praised for their effort or approach (“You worked so hard on that”). Researchers often call the second kind process praise.
Children praised for ability may come to believe their abilities are fixed. When something gets hard, they may pull back, because struggling can feel like proof they are not smart after all. Children praised for process may be more likely to keep trying, because they have learned that effort and strategy are what move things forward.
Generic praise does not tell a child which effort, choice, or action we noticed. Because there is little to learn from it, some children may come to rely more on an adult’s approval than on their own sense of what they made.
What we try instead
We now try to pause and respond more specifically. A few things we come back to: - Notice the effort, not only the outcome. Instead of “Good job on your test,” we try, “I noticed how much time you spent studying for that.” - Ask a question that invites reflection. Instead of “Good job on your drawing,” we try, “Tell me about this. What made you choose these colors?” Or, “How do you feel about it?” - Say what we see, specifically. Instead of “Good job cleaning your room,” we try, “I see you made your bed and put your books away.” - Reflect the feeling back. Instead of “Good job,” we try, “You look really proud of yourself.”
These are examples, not scripts. The aim is to notice something specific and respond honestly.
When praise helps
In our experience, praise tends to help most when it is specific rather than generic, honest rather than inflated, and occasional rather than constant. Specific feedback may help a child recognize their own effort without relying only on an adult’s approval.
The words that can build this from the inside
This is part of why we chose words like Beliefs, Intention, and Worth for ABCs for the Soul. We wanted children to have language for a sense of worth that comes from within.
B is for Beliefs: “They shape your point of view. Your beliefs are built throughout your life; they guide everything you do!”
The Calming Conversation Starter asks: “What is a positive belief you hold about yourself?”
We are not asking children to repeat what we believe about them. We are inviting them to know themselves.
The shift
Instead of asking ourselves, “How do I make my child feel good about this?” we try asking, “How do I help my child see this for themselves?”
We still say “good job” without thinking sometimes. Instead of trying to remove it completely, we try to add a specific observation or question that shows we were paying attention.
